I grow so weary of “6 Things You Need to
Know about Blabbity Blah.”
1.
When,
exactly, did this happen? When did the zeitgeist moment occur that every
article and every blog post was required to have a number in the title and a
list in the contents? “7 Ways to Tell
She’s Cheating On You, “6 Reasons to Get Professional Help,” “5 Tips to Avoid
Killing that Slimy Ass-Ho,” “8
Celebrities Who Can’t Stop Cheating,” etc. etc. etc.
Help me out with this, people, cause if I
try real hard, I can remember (vaguely) a time before numbers and lists were
the thing. I feel like I remember
reading stuff in what we called back then, “magazines and newspapers,” that
was, you know, just “investigative journalism” plus some expert opinion tied in
for a few laughs. Hardly anyone counted
anything, so it seems to me, but now that I think back about that, it seems
AMAZING. How on earth could we title
something now unless we had a list of tips, tricks, or reasons? What the f*ck were we talking about back
then? Were we even aware that the earth was round?
2.
Like the
Dog in “Up,” I, Too, Wear the Cone of Shame.
I want to blame y’all for this, but unfortunately, I can’t, because
I am totally a co-conspirator. Not only
have I written blogs, articles, and titles like this myself, not only have I
edited articles/blogs/ for other professionals with titles like, “4 Techniques
to Face Your Dating Fears,” but I have also
encouraged perfectly naïve and innocent clients, beginning solo
entrepreneurs who never would have thought of such trickery and manipulation on
their own, to pick up the Numbered List Technique. I know.
It’s supergross. I realize this. Mea Culpa. But, you know, the people seem to
like it!
That’s the number one reason why I did
it. Reason number two: I like my clients
to get more attention and make more money, and number three: I am a huge cheesy
sell out and I tend to like things other people like.
3.
Is it
Just Cause We Can’t Remember Stuff Unless it’s In an Acronym or Fewer Than
Seven Units? Or Is There a More
Sinister Reason? So, I can tell you
what the guy who wrote Hardwiring
Happiness calls the four essential neurological step to having a more happy
life (It’s in an acronym called “HEAL”) and I can tell you what my phone number
is (but I’m not going to right now), because it’s 7 “units” of information
long, which is apparently as much as we can handle at any one time, according
to brain and memory experts.
So that makes me think, Okay, it’s probably
no big thing that now every goddamned article/post in the world has a list of
tips, most of which are 7 or fewer items long, some of which have
acronyms. It’s just because the authors
want to help us remember stuff. Unless
there’s actually somebody who owns a copyright to all combinations of the phrase
“X (number) Y (reasons/tips/signs/ways) to Z (amputate your foot/write a book
proposal, etc)? Cause it that person DOES exist, and he or she is a puppet
master pulling all the strings, and maybe secretly works for Google who is
WATCHING US ALL RIGHT NOW, we might be totally screwed.
4.
Is This
Going to Spill Over Into the Rest of Life?
Shit, son, that moment has also already done come! Last month I received a coy invitation
entitled, “6 Reasons to Attend Shelly’s Baby Shower.” I really wanted to send my RSVP with the
note: “2 Reasons I Am Attending Shelly’s
Baby Shower: 1) I really like Shelly and
consider her a friend, and 2) I don’t have anything, like, way better to do
that day.”
But I didn’t, because I know it isn’t
Shelly’s friend’s fault. She’s just
caught up in a storm, man, a storm in which each and every one of us is caught
and lost, and I’m pretty sure we’re stuck in here until someone starts creating
“5 Ways to Publish Content Without Lists” and leads the revolution.
5.
But It
Ain’t Going to Be Me, Because:
A)
I’m re-watching True Blood, and it’s the second season right now, which is my
favorite.
B)
I still have to lay out to tan, at least once a
week. Tanorexia doesn’t maintain itself,
you know. Even when you’re old, like
me.
C)
I have to decide where I stand on the whole
issue of last year’s impulse buy peplum skirt.
Is it so 2013? Or can I still get away with it?
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